Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.