A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
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how to have an accident 101
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I hate my earbuds.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.