Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog