*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof