4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Lassie, get help!
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough