*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
You Might Also Like
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
S O O N
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”