*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You Might Also Like
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Can’t stop laughing
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying