Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?