@junejuly12: Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you're not the h in chameleon.
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@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
@Douchekevin: Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it's supposed to? Yoga pants explained.
@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.