Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend