Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me irl
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.