@OneFunnyMummy: Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
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@WilliamAder: Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
@karencreets: I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
@bingowings14: My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.
@withanewname: [my first day as a financial investor] "I'm going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?"