Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Jesus Christ lmao
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
watergate? u mean a dam??
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo