Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails