At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Rather alarming headline…
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff