*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier