regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Many hands make light work
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels