Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
We’ve all been there…
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet