*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
🤣🤣🤣
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Bros before Ohioes
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.