Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You Might Also Like
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
can’t bark with your mouth full
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER