Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?