Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]