Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.