Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?