I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You Might Also Like
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”