@Sarcasticsapien: Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
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@hippieswordfish: GENIE: you have 3 wishes ME: i wish for one more wish G: um...ok...your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes M: aweso- wait, what
@Real_Dick_Head: When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"
@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.