Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
#Caturday
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.