Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.