Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m aging like a fine banana
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.