[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
happy mother’s day❤️
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.