relationship goals
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.