Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Brands during Pride
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant