Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
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Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan