Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
You Might Also Like
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.