I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle