My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?