@DumbConfessions: Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.
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@EliTerry: TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF: 1. Sunset 2. Crashing waves 3. Dad's grave (as casket is lowered) 4. New stepdad's face 5. Quiznos
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot? me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous
@BlindChow: [1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan
@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.