honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes