@DumbConfessions: Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.
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@sara_ashlynn: My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.
@mynameisntdave: ME: how long will it take to remodel my house? CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months [9 years later] CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair
@DiamondLou69: Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
@jergarl: *goes to bank Me: Hi, I need a loan. Banker: How much and what for? Me: Seventy three thousand. I'm making guacamole for the super bowl.