Dead sexy!!
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Cinematography is my passion
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Good morning!
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.