Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
fair
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
car not found
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]