Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.