Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
It’s the weekend y’all