Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Just had my nails done!
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”