@sad_jake: Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut
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@AndyAsAdjective: "Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?" "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's a dog."
@2014longview: If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
@liv_thatsme: Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
@TheCiscoKidder: Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma.