@sad_jake: Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut
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@SeanEmeny: I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me
@TheRobCee: Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@jazmasta: "We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease" "I can't say I'm surprised" *doc strokes beard* "Hmm yes.Just as we thought"