I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Happy thanksgiving!
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Krampus.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.