Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading