Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT