I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
2 years later
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout