馃懡Hey aliens, Since you鈥檙e in the area can you please come get me? I鈥檝e got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
*serious situation*
My brain:
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don鈥檛 do magic
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I鈥榣l upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I鈥檓 going.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
May the fourth be with you and if you鈥檙e married, may the back and forth be with you
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Love the deli paper on the doctor鈥檚 table. Mmm I鈥檓 a sick little sandwich
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Her: What鈥檚 this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I鈥檓 feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!