I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Holy moly
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me too 😆
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it