If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.