Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on