Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦