Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
You Might Also Like
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one