@Dani_Feld: Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.
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@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."
@brentcetera: SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER