@Dani_Feld: Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.
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@bornmiserable: I appreciate it when someone tells me to just "get over it" when I'm depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
@TheToddWilliams: [high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack
@TheAlexNevil: If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it's that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"