@dreamthievin: Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
@AndyAsAdjective: coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?