Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
You Might Also Like
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
That’s fair
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
How to properly lift a body