@dreamthievin: Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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@dorsalstream: As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I've turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy. ME: *trying to impress* I'm a psychopath.