Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Me: Same.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?