[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.